As many of you know, a lot has happened for me this year. My father passing away, finding my way in the world as a university graduate – a lot has happened this year. One thing some may have noticed is my lack of posts, my lack of sharing on my personal page for those who have me there, and that isn’t my normal self. I’m always sharing trying to grow my business and just be my general self. But I’m going to be totally honest I mean that’s what this blog is for.
I. Am. Not. Okay.
It feels kind of nice to type that out; I am just not okay. So much negativity has plagued my year and honestly I have absolutely no clue how the heck I’m pushing through it all. Of course there have been many beautiful moments, but when you’re sad, anxious, and just down right lost you seem to have your blinders up from those things. You can only focus on the pain just keeps pouring in.
I began the year discouraged, it was time to find a job and drum up business so I could pay the bills. My bank account absolutely drained from the required art show by my university, I was scared to bits. And when I couldn’t get business going I was so discouraged. I called my dad looking for his comfort and of course he told me to keep trying, you’ll get it and it will come. I made a plan spring was coming and I was going to have awesome Easter sessions and I was going to make enough to at least pay my bills for the month. I called my dad excited for this new plan and he encouraged me to kick butt and become the next “Jasmine Star” He always said.
The next Jasmine Star booked two shoots out of twenty four. After spending money on advertising, props, and materials. I only made enough to cover my expenses. The families I got to work with were kind and I had a nice time and managed to produce good images but, I left feeling discouraged. It was around this time that I landed a job at a local graphic design place. I was ecstatic no more wondering if I could pay my bills! I was living my dream graphic designer by day and cool photographer by night. My dad cheered me on and told me that things were working out great! I thought so too.
Suddenly, the man who cheered me on every day, encouraged me, loved me, taught me was gone. I woke up only to learn half of my life disappeared. Half my home, half my heart, half of my everything was gone. My father and I were so close, he was my best friend along with my mother and husband (the other half of my heart). All I remember was my screaming, the tears, and how easily I flipped the switch from an absolute disaster to wonder woman walking into gunfire still standing tall. I was at my job for maybe a month. I had to suddenly leave to North Carolina and take care of my distraught mother. I will always be grateful to my job for being so kind that day. Unfortunately that’s one of the only good thing that job gave me.
When I met my mother that night ,the first time seeing her since Christmas, I had to be okay. There was no Sandie only my mom. Smile. Be Happy. It’ll be okay. And that’s how it was for a while. I’m okay, there’s nothing wrong, look at how strong I am. Suddenly I was thrown back into the daily grind. Wake up, work, go home, and meal prep on the weekends. Life went on. Soon things at work began to get worse. I was treated worse and worse by the day from getting yelled at to being called names when all I was doing was trying desperately to do my job with no training. With every day, I just felt worse and worse. I truly began to feel worthless, stupid, and useless. I thought, what good am I? I can’t even work for someone else doing what I love, I can’t run a business, I can’t even clean my house. I’m an absolute piece of trash. My anxiety got worse, I was constantly afraid something was going to happen, I feared for my mother and myself. Work only made it worse and one night eating dinner with my husband it was if someone took a baseball bat and hit me right in the chest. The edges of my body went numb, I felt cold in my chest and stomach, I stood up dizzy, afraid, I looked at my husband. “Something isn’t right. Something is wrong. ” At the time I thought I was dying, a heart attack, a seizure – something.
I begged my husband to go to the hospital even though I couldn’t afford it; I was absolutely terrified what was happening to me??
That night went on forever, it turns out I had a severe anxiety attack; something I don’t wish on anyone no matter how much I don’t like them. My body was basically in shock once it passed. I couldn’t sleep, and I got 2 scattered hours of sleep. The next day I went to work and that evening I was fired. I’ll never know the truth but, co workers said it was because I just wasn’t liked not because I kept messing up. The icing on the cake. I was relieved but devastated at the same time, I had an interview the next day anyway that I set up a week before I got fired. After being yelled at and brought to tears because of it I realized my dream day job wasn’t worth it, not this way not for these terrible people. I went to the interview the next day and less than a week later I had a new job. But during that time, I felt absolutely worthless. I couldn’t understand why all of this was happening. Why did something like this HAVE to happen?
Fast forward to now. I am still not okay; I’m frustrated, lost, but I’m beginning to heal. In the time that I got the new job to now I’ve learned so many things and i think i’m beginning to heal. I still have plenty of nights where I just cant handle anything, so many nights have I driven home crying because I can’t call my father, because I miss him, because I feel like failure, because of doubt, because of fear, because of everything. Just before writing this, I cried the entire drive home missing my father wondering, would he still be proud, would be happy for me still a girl who can’t keep her dream going and working in a cubicle? I was inspired to write this and thanks to a great friend of mine I decided to publish this. Her name is Zaddie and I cannot thank her enough for being there for me. Shes given me so wonderful words of encouragement and advice, she’s a beautiful person and how the heck God decided I deserve to call this girl my friend. It blows my mind. For a while I’ve needed to get out how I feel and it feels so good to finally put down how this whole year has felt for me. I could never say to anyone how I’ve felt without feeling shut down like my words didn’t matter. Trying to help someone who is so broken heal is very overwhelming. You don’t know what to do, say, or act in fear of hurting them further. I want you to know you’re doing fine, sometimes I just need a little extra love, care, and encouragement. So, where do I go from here?
First, I heal my home. My poor home needs cleaned. No motivation means no cleaning. And it hasn’t happened but, it’s time.
Next, I work on me. What do I need to feel better? What makes me happy?
Lastly, Learn. Even though I’ve learned so much, I think its time to stew. I need time to marinate – okay I might be hungry. But, I need to take this time to absorb, reflect, and with the information that I’ve learned, absorbed, and reflected on I need to rise. Lindsey Stirling’s The Phoenix comes to mind. And just like the Phoenix born from ashes I will rise again. It’s just going to take time time.
And don’t worry friends fall and winter I will be shooting like a mad woman, lots of rad specials are coming but, this year were going to take it slow.
Stay Inspired & Keep On Dreaming. ❤
-S.
Sandie Narvaez Photography 